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Tahra

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22^nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all.

But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty.

It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY  **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em"

 -----------------------

 Serves him right. :D


Tahra xoxo

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK:

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. 

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... Now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. 

You fall off the floor. 

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger. Screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you 

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men]. 

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

 Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize you spouse unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again. 

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. 

I'm as jober as a sudge. 

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information 

The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken. 

GEORGE W BUSH 

We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

COLIN POWELL 

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

 TONY BLAIR 

I agree with George.

HANS BLIX

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. 

DR SEUSS 

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. 

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR 

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. 

GRANDPA 

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. 

RONALD REAGAN

What's a chicken?  

SIGMUND FREUD 

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity, and the guilt driven motives behind your relationship with your mother.

BILL GATES 

eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book - and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2003. 

ALBERT EINSTEIN 

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON

I did not have sexual relations with that chicken! 

THE BIBLE

And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing. 

COLONEL SANDERS 

Did I miss one?

The Plan

1. In the beginning was the Plan.

2. And then came the Assumptions,

3. And the Assumptions were without form.

4. And the Plan was without Substance.

5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

6. And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of shit and it stinks."

7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and
said, "It is a pail of dung and we cannot live
with the smell."

8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying,
"It is a container of organic waste and it is very
strong such that none may abide by it."

9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its
strength."

10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to
one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth
and it is very strong."

11. And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying
unto them, "It promotes growth and it is very powerful."

12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying
unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth
and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."

13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it
was good.

14. And the Plan became Policy.

15. And this is how shit happens...